Day 6: Somewhere near Kemsley to Conyer

Our guest walker is an eminent judge who spent part if his early youth in the British South Africa Police and based in Rhodesia.. We spent a happy time talking about the old days.

I thought the walk would be too much for him, but we were plain wrong. At the day’s end, we walked through at least half a mile of rotting rubbish crowned by a sinking dead rat. What squalid people humankind can be.

Diary of a Disgruntled Cat

Once again, Kariba the moggy has spoken…

You keep feeding me new types of cat food without even checking if I like them. Well, here’s the feedback.

Whiskas with chicken? It’s okay… occasionally – but please, not every darn day!

Sifilaccetti Succulent Grill – what a daft name for cat food! Also, I see the packaging the muck comes in carries a picture of a peculiar looking cat – frankly, it looks like a moron to me, where on earth is it from? I presume its weird colouring is meant to reflect our inclusive society, foisted upon us cats without so much as a miaow of consent! Please don’t think I’m racist, but foreign cats are routinely smuggled into the UK in people’s handbags, and most are feral. All they want to do is fight, steal and spray on the curtains!

But, back to food. I prefer Purina Gourmet, except it’s got a picture of a white cat on the front – its either a ghost or its hair’s been dyed. Dead common! I’ll bet its name is Sharlene or something equally naff.

Everyone says I’m ancient for a moggy, but because of excellent vet care, 17 is the new 10 – so there’s plenty of life in old Kariba yet. However, without being too explicit, I can’t get any tomcat to even glance at me – despite me having some catty tricks that would make their whiskas stand on end! Typical tomcats, they’re too focused on chasing pussy crumpet.

So, it’s back to memory lane and all the positions in the “Catty Sutra” I used to enjoy. Those were the days!          

Oh yes, please do keep your children’s sodding dogs under control. Suffice to say, they’re still more “poo” than “cocker”. I know I said this last year, but your thoughtless children have bought yet another one, so the insult needs repeating.

Yours truly,

Kariba

Doctor’s Orders

Reported in the Mail is the story of Lady Dworkin, who, after experiencing difficulties conceiving, underwent a course of IVF treatment.

She wanted confirmation of the best time to have sexual intercourse, so she rang the clinic to ask, “Is it better first thing in the morning or last thing at night?”

“I think both are best – in the early morning and last thing at night,” came the reply.

“Oh, thanks,” answered the good lady. “And please, for my records, which doctor are you?”

There was a slight hesitation. “I’m not a doctor, I’m the decorator.”     

London Calling

However useless – or not – Sadiq Khan may be, the city he oversees remains a pre-eminent global powerhouse. Where else can compete?

All America’s cities are on the slide, with New York, Chicago and San Francisco shuddering under record levels of crime and vacant office space. Paris is bedevilled by ethnic ghettos, while other great European cities are provincial when compared to London.

Singapore and Dubai have overbearing governments, Mumbai and Delhi are choked with pollution. The huge Asian cities aren’t cosmopolitan enough – all remain insular, have few migrants and are unwelcoming to outsiders.

Okay, it goes without saying there is crime in London, but it has fallen this century. Of course, Brexit was meant to have turned London into a tertiary player. Sorry to argue with Alastair Campbell, but since 2016, finance giants Bloomberg and Citadel have moved in while Google has built a massive new headquarters at King’s Cross. Microsoft has announced plans to open a London AI office and Apple has made five floors of the renovated Battersea Power Station its European headquarters. 

Ambitious immigrants are attracted to the proximity of world-class universities. In fact, immigration is lifting the performance of London’s state schools above the national average.

What explains this success? London’s old advantage is its status as a former imperial capital, which has welcomed the world for centuries. As Ford Madox Ford wrote in 1905, “London is the world town.”

A Few Observations…

If you can’t laugh at yourself, don’t worry. Others will do it for you.

It’s difficult to make an intelligent person change their mind – and it’s impossible with a stupid one.

Uber liberals think that all “normal” people must agree with them and gasp with outrage when they find out this is not the case – as with Brexit and Trump. Conservatives, on the other hand, are always surprised to find that anyone shares their views – as with Brexit and Trump.

A day-long train journey is always preferable to a one-hour flight.

Io non c’ero, e se c’ero dormivo is a useful Italian saying that means, “I wasn’t there, and if I was there, I was sleeping.”