Day 5: Hampton Lucy to Harbury

Relationships Used to Involve Relations

I think we all regard mobile phones as an unalloyed blessing. However, I think these phones have a serious kickback from the law of unintended consequences.

When I met Jane, I determined to marry her as soon as possible. I suffered what the Italians call “colpo di fulmine”- “a stroke of lightning”. So I just knew!
When I rang Jane, I was obliged to ask for her at her parent’s home in the Scottish Borders. They were delightful…I could imagine them asking Jane if she wanted to speak to me? Amazingly she did agree – oh be still my beating heart – and so the relationship progressed for some months. At each stage, Pam and Humphry Scott Plummer knew what was going on. Soon a family party was arranged, and all the relations came to meet me and tell one another in corners as relations do: “She could have done lot better than I that!” But the family was involved.
Then, as the relationship matured, there was a wedding. When the children appeared courtesy of the stork, there were several other parties, so the family was involved in rejoicing with us.
So in sum, Jane’s family knew exactly what was going on as all my communications had to be tangled up with theirs.

Today, due to mobile phones, children can get married without the families being any the wiser. Not good for family cohesion.

Now you know.

Ooh La La!

Over the years, in response to insistent begging from ZANE supporters, I have suggested ways of invigorating your sadly sagging sex lives.

A few years back, I told readers about my unintended visit to a sex shop in Edinburgh. You may remember that out of curiosity (“I promise this was an out-of-character mistake, Officer!”), I inadvertently switched on a device called the “Magic Rabbit”. This gadget started to leap up and down and wouldn’t stop because, in my growing despair I was unable to locate the right switch. It might, for all I know, still be jumping up and down. (For readers who want a thrill, the shop sits bang next door to the highly respectable gentlemen’s New Club in Princes Street. I refuse to believe that this proximity between club and shop is a coincidence).

In another blog, I described the improbable services provided by the ghastly introductory sites “Blendr”, and “Grindr”. Good luck with that one.

My last commentary reported on an exciting find – erotic German electronic underwear. At $25 a time, what a bargain! One reader questioned me – impertinently – whether I am on commission?    

Dress to Impress

This time, heart racing, I have embarked on a brief investigation as to the choice of erotic clothing from which ZANE’s menfolk can choose a surprise gift for the Missus this Christmas.

Recently, a Californian survey (of course, it would be Californian!) of 1,451 burghers in Los Angeles revealed their top four choices of erotic clothing.

In fourth place, the “Playboy bunny” outfit, complete with bunny ears.

In third place, a police uniform, complete with handcuffs.

In joint second place, a school uniform (one in a very fetching tartan), and a fire fighter’s outfit, paired, of course, with a helmet.   

However, the winner by a country mile was the “pink peekaboo bra and crotchless thong French maid’s outfit” – for short, called “the Ooh La La”. The outfit is made of the finest crimson lace.

This last item strikes me as an appropriate gift, especially if you are still in deep mourning as an EU Remainer.

ZANE supporters! How will your jaded marriage survive without the “Ooh La La” to jazz it up?  

Remember you heard about this exciting survey from me first!  

Peace (or Piss?) for Our Time

In 1974, I contested Harold Wilson in Huyton (I lost!) 

In one of my (thinly attended) meetings, I concluded my speech by claiming that if the Tories were to be elected, we would “bring peace to the Middle East!” (It wasn’t my finest hour).

There was a dead silence before a woman at the front called out, “I live in the tower block over the road. Can you stop people pissing in my lift?”  

After moment’s careful reflection, I responded that it might prove difficult.

“Well, I don’t see you bringing peace to the Middle East then!” she heckled.

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